If I were to wake up today

And it would be my last day

My last time folding my blankets behind me

Still warm from last night’s slumber

My last time making coffee and placing the dirty mug at the bottom of the sink

Promising myself I would wash it soon

If it were to be my last day

Would today be any different than any other day?

Would I walk the streets and turn down a path that is irregular to my daily commute

Would I stop to admire the colour of the leaves changing

The shifting of chartreuse to amber glows

Would I walk past the piles of fruit

Placed precariously on top of one another

And wonder —

Did the word orange come first for the fruit or for the colour?

Would I admire its smell, the texture of its skin and look at my own

Would I look at my own flesh and begin to admire the body I inhabit

For every wrinkle and pimple

Zit and dimple —

Would I care less what people thought of me?

If today were my last day

Would I see the people in the streets and be in awe

Look at how many of us there are

So many of us with our own stories of sorrows and love

Would I call my loved ones and tell them ferociously how dearly each one of them meant to me?

If today were my last day to walk this earth

I wonder —

Would I have been different in this world?

Would I have been less scared to love and to take chances knowing that any day

Could be the day

I circle the block and see the tram spill out with people

Cigarettes lighting and phone conversations pouring

And I wonder

If instead of sadness choosing me

I chose it

They say it is better to have loved and lost

Than to have never loved at all

But love and to lose

It hurts

It’s an ache that breaks my core

If I were not wired to be afraid of hurt

Would I have loved more deeply

More freely

And accepting of what-ifs

For once I wonder if the embrace of pain

The weight of what ifs

Have made me feel as if I’m dragging rocks behind me

If i were to let it go

Would my skin finally feel like it fits not too tight?

And would the air in my lungs feel like it sits just right?

If today were my last day on this earth

Would I show up differently than how I am?

Would I scroll the internet in despair

Or curl up back in bed with my cat?

The softness of her fur and the gentleness of her purr

Lull me back to sleep

But I trust that the love she has given me

Has been enough

So I let my body relax and dream of what tomorrow could be like